Tales of 2ch

Japanese messageboard 2ch has many tales to tell, whether they be events unfolding in a thread or written stories. I translate all kinds.

Red stories are threads that tell true stories (or at least they present themselves that way), usually with some conversation between the OP and other 2ch posters.
Blue stories are short stories written out and posted in a thread part by part. Many of these are comprised almost solely of dialogue between characters without proper names.
Green stories are by Fafoo, one of the few 2ch authors to identify himself. He has a fairly unique style, not really using the "dialogue" format at all.

Given that it's 2ch, some stories are unavoidably risque, so take note of the warnings in the descriptions to see which ones aren't exactly for all ages.



An Awful Story My Sixth-Grade Sister Wrote
Bullies and pop groups and rivalries abound. The story moves fast, so you must be fast too.

[Help!] The Girl I Like Won't Respond to My Emails (´・ω・`)
The first part of the semi-legendary Denko saga. Denko isn't responding to the OP's 600 texts emails, and he's worried! Maybe it's time to confess his undying love... Or send hamsters! [Warning for stalking and some mentions of sex.]

[Help!] I Can't Contact My Girlfriend (´・ω・`)
Part two of the Denko saga. Did Denko reject OP? Not likely! Better go to her house and - oh, hi, Denko's mom! [Same warnings as above.]

[Help!] The Girl I’m Dating Isn't My Girlfriend Anymore (´・ω・`)
Part three of the Denko saga. Denko changed her number, but OP's got this. He'll go see the cherry blossoms with her! [Same warnings as above.]

[Help!] My Girlfriend Is Testing Me (´・ω・`)
Part four of the Denko saga. The benefactor A-ko helps OP find Denko at the park! This couldn't possibly go bad, right? [Same warnings as above.]

[Help!] I'm Not Sure Who I Like Anymore (´・ω・`)
The final part of the Denko saga. OP makes a stunning realization about A-ko. And he's never been more sure of anything in his life... [Same warnings as above.]

Kisaragi Station
An unsettling story about an unknown train station far beyond Hasumi's usual stop.

Masaki Watanabe and Minami-chan
A provably non-fiction story about a hopeless, nutty creep. [Stalking warning.]

I Was A Stalker For Nearly A Decade
The surprisingly adorable story of a self-professed stalker and her middle-school crush. [Brief mention of sex.]

I'm Always Watching
A short incident involving an artist and a... VERY devoted fan.

I'm In Love With This Girl On The Train
A shy man wants to get closer with a woman he travels to work with. Densha Otoko, this ain't.

How I Went Sliding After A High School Girl
What should have been no more than an embarrassing story ended up becoming a legend.

I Proposed To My Girlfriend, But She'd Been Replaced
Has there ever been a time when you're just not sure of anything? (Confused? Here's a summary.) [Contains elements of unreality (not being sure of what's real).]

Doctor: "It's lovesickness." Man: "Huh?"
A silly story of a doctor and her patient.

There Was Once An Ordinary Virgin: Part One
The beginning of a story about one lucky virgin and four princesses. These new girls seem to like Takumi, but how do they really feel? [Kind of risque in general.]

There Was Once An Ordinary Virgin: Part Two
Hell hath no indifference like a Takumi spurned, but the girls are still plenty friendly with him. [Same as above.]

There Was Once An Ordinary Virgin: Part Three
Takumi is finally ready to meet up with Erika again! Then gets sick. Dammit, Takumi! [Same as above.]

There Was Once An Ordinary Virgin: Part Four
On the longest night of Takumi's life, all secrets are revealed. Oh, and things get a little crazy later on. [Same as above.]

Demoness: "Y-You named the summoning price as your virginity...?!"
If you're summoning a demoness, you're probably gonna get into some serious spiritual business. Can you say "youkai"? [Occasional sexual references.]

Man: "I’m beat..." *click* Door: "Welcome back!" Man: ""
It's always good to have someone - or something - you can rely on.

Girl: "Who are you?" Alien: "Er, I’m an alien."
A highly-advanced alien needs emotional energy for a power source, and just so happens to find the perfect girl. A very philosophical one, actually. [Warning for various kinds of abuse and other dark subject matter.]

Mom: "Going out?" Hero: "Just gonna save the world."
Saving the world isn't quite how people used to think of it. But in a way, it gets harder as it gets easier.

Man: "I like you!!" Woman: "Really!"
The most bluntly honest couple ever to get together. (Alternatively: Story!)

King: "Let’s get serious about the Dark Lord." Hero: "Huh?"
If you know something's coming, you might as well prepare. Saving the world is too important for just one hero.

Woman: "I love you more than anyone!"
Robots sure are advanced these days.

The Story of a Girl Who Lived a Thousand Years Somehow
(Later novelized, including three new stories.)
A girl so devoted to her friend, she lives a thousand years for her, watching the world go by.

Mystery Man: "I'll tell you my true identity... Ku ku ku..."
A mysterious man and woman come face to face at last! In the climax, they finally reveal their secrets... but then! [Brief mention of sex.]

Throw a Cheeseburger at a Cool Guy and He'll Die
This is no story. This is the scientific method at work.

Dark Lord: "Thanks for the follow!"
What happens when a generic RPG hero and villain find each other on Twitter? They, uh, get along pretty well, actually. [Small segment mentioning porn.]

The Simple Job of Driving People to Suicide
(Later rewritten and given a manga adaptation.)
Also known as Azure and Claude. The job is to take control of the target's body and lead them to suicide. But it's not so simple this time. [Warning for discussion of suicide, of course.]

On the Influence of a Sister
A sickly girl has a reliable brother who gets her whatever she wants. Said brother also has a friend who can fill in for him, and that's where this story comes in.

When People Would Vanish From the Smoking Room
People in the smoking room are whisked away to a town of smoke and ash. And you never know who you may find there.

The Story of Hee and Haw
(Later rewritten.)
Perhaps as a punishment, Hee is supernaturally discouraged from falling asleep. But things aren't quite as hopeless as they seem.

What I Imagined Upon Seeing a Rock and a Rope
She was perfectly fine with being permanently tied to a boulder which could never be moved. The key word is "was."

Starting Over
(Later novelized.)
A man is sent back in time ten years to relive his life. But before long, things get problematic.

Make Fun of Cinderella, Then Get Emotional at the End
Just as the title says. It's Cinderella... with 2ch's input, whether we needed it or not.

My Crush Won't Respond to My Emails (´・ω・`) [Help!]
The forgotten, not-very-long prequel to the Denko saga. Well, better late than never.

The Story of the Green One Beloved By All
The power of rock 'n' roll never dies. And neither do world-famous divas.

Three Days of Happiness
(Later novelized and given a manga adaptation [coming sometime].)
When you find out your life is worth far less than you thought, what do you do? Sell it.

Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
What kind of stuff would people even buy from a shop that sells anything?

Tell Me the Clean Way to Eat a MOS Burger
It's a very simple process (in my area). (Everyone knows it)

>>1