Once upon a time, in the long-past age of the year 2001, there was an RPG. It was an okay RPG, except for the part where there was a lot of dialogue and it was really easy and the game ended in the middle to give way to the sequel.

Once upon a time, in the long-past age of the year 2003, there was an RPG. It was an okay RPG, except for the part where there was still a lot of dialogue and it was still really easy, but it at least sort of gave things closure. I guess.

These were okay games, and like a year or so ago (as if I remember), I played them for the internet.

But some demanded more. Some thought these games were more than merely okay, probably because their appearance among the drought of GBA RPGs had given them some sick nostalgia for mountains of text.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Let's Play Golden Sun Dark Dawn: Chapter 31

One day, our revered hero AAAAD had a son. He thought to himself, "One day, my son will become a man. This man will have the name DAAAAA." (Note, though, that there were many more dialogue boxes involved.)

The game starts right off with a summary of the previous games. It also starts right off with some incorrect facts; any Golden Sun fan knows that the elements are not "earth, wind, fire, and water," but Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Pluto.

It then goes on to explain with slowly-scrolling text and fancy effects in the background how after ancient dudes discovered Alchemy they decided it was too powerful so they hid it but then the world started falling off the edge of the world but then AAAAD saved the day.

Also, this is apparently what the Golden Sun looks like. More like THE ATOMIC BOMB.

Doesn't look so shadowy to me. It's plain to see that that's clearly some kind of techno-airship.

But oh, the scrolling text isn't done yet, not at all. Now, as birds fly by in the background, it explains how AAAAD and company lit the lighthouses and etc. But wait saving the world is an AWFUL TERRIBLE THING apparently because it's causing NATURAL DISASTERS and so forth. As opposed to the disaster of the world falling off the edge of the world.

And really, who honestly cares that Vale got blown up? No one, and I mean no one has liked it ever since the unspeakable atrocity that occurred there. You know what I mean.

Regardless, AAAAD and Gary are still chilling by Vale at some place named Goma(dare) Heights for some reason. (Also, as we all learned from Golden Sun, one would hesitate to call Gary a grown man no matter how old he is. Add that one to the inconsistency list.)

BREAKING THIRTY-YEAR NEWS: AAAAD HAS A BEARD. ...Other than that, he looks remarkably similar.

The goofy Yes-Man/No-Man from the previous games has gone on to replace the anime emoticons as well. By Golden Sun 4, he'll just be the face of every character. But then the twist is that your main character has prosopagnosia...

So despite all the exposition we got in scrolling text earlier, AAAAD is still giving it to us. And in fact, if you touch those red words, the top screen shows a short(er) encyclopedia article about them. Meaning that other than the SHADOWY THREAT, that whole intro scene was pretty much completely pointless.

But hey, there were fancy lightning and water effects and stuff! I mean, that's why everyone liked the first two games, right?

AAAAD is an angry, angry man. He's just SO UPSET that saving the world doomed the world that he's counting on "a rock, stupid!" to help them out, despite the fact that said rock-stupid tricked them into killing his and Jenny's parents at the end of TLA. DON'T THINK I DON'T REMEMBER.

See? All Gary got was a mustache. (Also, what if I want to read about the Wise One TWICE, huh?)

Yes, learn more... But how could we possibly learn more?


This conversation goes on in typical Golden Sun style to introduce the Mourning Moon, the soarwings, which were built by Ivan...

And Gary and Ivan's replacements kids, Tyrell and Karis. Well, at least Karis isn't blonde like Ivan and Sheba, I suppose. Things would just be getting silly at that point.

Oh, this is bad. As we should all remember, thanks to shoddy Psynergy-assisted patch jobs, no roof is safe in the Golden Sun series. (But really, the given reason why this is bad is that he's going to try flying with Nausicań's M÷we, but being a Mars Adept he's probably gonna set it on fire or something.)

This may be a blind run, but here's a spoiler: IT'S GOING TO MATTER EVEN LESS THAN YES AND NO CHOICES. Camelot innovates where it counts.

Anyway, pointless "gameplay" additions aside, Tyrell's probably gonna break our fantasy hang glider and that's no good. So looks like we need to head...

Exactly, game. Thank you for your cooperation.

And he looks just so pleased to have done so, doesn't he?

Every time DAAAAA tries to just walk away from the roof situation, someone up on the roof yells something at Tyrell, then DAAAAA turns around and looks up at them and refuses to let it be. There are no less than ten lines, and none of them actually seem to acknowledge DAAAAA trying to leave whatsoever. Poor guy.

Oh, and I picked this one because it's such a blatant lie. Remember when you punched that boulder and it came rolling after you, Gary? Good times.

When we come up to the roof, everyone prods us into calming down Tyrell for them and as soon as we get close to him the camera suddenly RAMS INTO TYRELL'S FACE. It's actually kind of hilarious.

Gary shakes his fist in vain instead of... I dunno, running over and grabbing him? Nah, too physical for a Golden Sun character. And I don't think I need to mention why making the thing not work properly isn't going to do any good, since he apparently sucks so much it might as well BE "rendered useless."

Tyrell is only skilled in falling with style.

Tyrell continues spinning in a downward spiral (what a metaphor) while Karis has to explain to him the reason why AAAAD, Gary, and she can all fly it properly and he can't: Psynergy. Somehow, she manages to split that one-word explanation into two parts: one for AAAAD and Gary, and one for herself. Golden Sun never changes.

Golly, he sure won't! Maybe I'll just have a three-person party! Hooray!

Pfft, who said I had to encourage you?

So the whole gang decides to go to save Tyrell from some forest cave, though Karis's central motive is apparently just to yell at him. COLD AS THE WINTER WIND.

Nah, I'm pretty sure I can figure this out on my -

WHOA THERE KARIS. There's a little thing we call PERSONAL INVENTORY SPACE.

Now hold on there, I can SEE inside that barrel. There is CLEARLY something in there. I can't really tell what, so I suppose you're right on the unremarkable part, but empty? Are you unable to see red, DAAAAA? I'll have to make a note of this to put in my Court Record.

Sorry, I have amnesia for anything I didn't take a screenshot of.

A little bit east of the house, AAAAD and Gary are whispering about letting DAAAAA and Karis take care of business (I mean in terms of battling, geez) without their help.

Karis has got the idea. If you ask anyone something directly, they'll just take even longer to explain it.

Yea as we walk across the bridge down to the valley, down to prove ourselves as Adepts and Adeptettes in battle, the camera pans down to center on none other than the sun. Truly this looks to be... a Dark Dawn.

Okay, wait, that didn't make any sense at all.

AAAAD saw his son's face... it was filled with the joy of battle!

But that was before he found out he was fighting reject Megaman enemies. Seriously, those eyes!

Those certainly are some fluttering seeds. And motion blurring all over the place.

Ah, my old nemesis... but not really. Just gonna use my trusty Master Hand to -

Oh go away, I'm pretty friggin' sure I can figure out whatever stupid touch screen mechanic they added for myself. (The conversation then proceeds along the lines of "yeah we put that there on purpose, but seriously an idiot could figure this out," so what is even the point then.)

Did I call it or did I call it? (Well, okay, you can still use the D-Pad, but I'm sure there'll be a new one that uses the touch screen.)

I know I'm making a lot of predictions here, but I'm just so certain about them: areas nowhere near Mt. Alf are going to have Psynergy Stones around anyway and there won't be any reasonable explanation why.

Outside, it's going to be night soon, and apparently that means TANGLEWOOD. Which means the forest turns EVIL at night. Oh man, my spookometer is OFF THE CHARTS.

Gosh, Gary, what a phenomenally useless comment. Would monsters that come out at night do anything BUT prowl?

Teehee! I LOVE difficulty!

Ab-so-LUTELY, Karis!

So AAAAD decides they miiight need to lend us some Djinn.

And why wouldn't they be? Djinn aren't a burden who eat all your chips or anything! Thanks to Djinn, AAAAD and Gary are all kinds of strong, and they and their allies developed EXCITING NEW ABILITIES! Djinn are their best friends ever in combat! They're all over the bad guys, I swear!

But they're stupid-looking and annoying, so anything to pawn them off.

Get away from me, Flint.

Professor Flint then teaches us PSYNG101: How to Use Djinn. This time they actually bother to explain how they change classes. Fancy that.

Whaaat? You mean I actually have to put thought into something? :<

This is what trading Djinn looks like. It's a lot like trading PokÚmon.

After that, Gary worries about DAAAAA falling prey to the dangers of the TANGLEWOOD. But then...

Gary: What's on your mind, AAAAD? Looks like something's caught your eye...
Gary: AAAAD?!
AAAAD: Hmm...?
Gary: I said, what's on your mind?
Gary: I can usually read him like a book...


Anyway, AAAAD's brilliant idea is to have DAAAAA lead, but for the sake of tutorial, AAAAD and Gary will save them if they're in trouble, Secret of Mana Mantis Ant style.

Let's... um...

Let's untangle some wood.

Chapter 32