Intoxication (from Kenshi Yonezu's diary)

The year's work drops off, and I take a breath. For now pretending that this and that which I need to do at the start of the year don't exist, I'm now writing this. What kind of year was this? Just taking a glance back, a number of wonderfully fun memories flood in, to which I think "I'm real grateful" like some old man. When you look back through the timeline of my life, there are a few periods of sheer white and sheer black, and if an interviewer asked me "what were you doing in these periods?" in an interview, I could pretty much only answer "my human social abilities were halted" - such were my memories of those periods. It makes me feel such relief, also like some old man. Breathing in and out, making a pleasing hungry sound like glass, the year ends alongside a reasonable feeling of sufficiency. Seems next year is the Year of the Rooster.

As a child, I was really worried about being different from other people, and at times I even thought "this is terrifying," so I was constantly observing my surroundings, thinking impudent things like "what are humans... what is society..." But ultimately, doing that was in vain, just leaving a colorless, transparent self. That said, my desperate observation then did make me realize a few things, such as "doesn't understand most of what the other person's saying, trusts self to the point of bigheadedness, doesn't take a step outside their perceived world." The subject of that sentence is "everyone," I think. Humans are social animals, after all. Amid having to make a compromise between your outcast self and society, pessimism like "those guys are morons, I'm smart" won't feed you. In other words, there's a need to fight hard against your own self, and I can't say I hate that self of mine that managed to survive up to now grinning.

It's simple to force a name upon confusing, ambiguous things, so by giving names like "year-end party" or "flower viewing" to actualize them, you can make an excuse, and even intoxication can be permitted. No one will say it's not permitted. My self accumulates over time, getting little forgivings from ma, pa, friends, lovers, environment, life, society - I think I want to forgive that self again. If there's a next time, let's go drink.

Posted December 27th, 2016


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