Gaps (from Kenshi Yonezu's diary)

Late night somehow has this air of forgiveness, my fondness of which makes me stay up late often. At a convenience store or bar, there's a hanging sluggishness, so customers and employees both have hardly any warmth. My social capabilities dulling, I duck through gaps in the slowed gears, sneak into some unfamiliar campus, and space out as my rear gets soaked by the grass wet with evening dew. Nonsense words and laziness all become blurry there, and I finally notice my breathing has been faint. Freedom is essentially something that exists in the gap between two things; to a pillbug living behind the shadow of a rock, that brief gap of night before the gears begin to function properly is like a fever dream where they're permitted to crawl out. And thus, I make progress writing things late at night.

As one who turns his weaknesses into words and sells them apiece, I feel so sluggish writing under a bright sun. Even keeping up a smile costs MP. I'm very familiar with how if I'm not permitted to do something, I can't speak up either. Long ago, I had no clue what the words people around me were spouting meant, and when I just vaguely smiled at them, I remember being told "You're always smiling, huh?" Ever since then, I've had a deep-rooted feeling of living by monkey see, monkey do, preoccupied with whether I'm allowed something or not - a trifling thing in the long run, yet for me, a major question I have to figure out.

Through the music I've made thus far, I've received words from many people. They range from good to bad to gems to jeers, and by them, my present self is made. I have feelings of gratitude for every one of them. And behind them, I know there are some who only have a small sliver of words. I know there are people who aren't even permitted the words "I'm suffering" to express themselves. Now, I want to send my music straight to those people. I want to tell them it'll definitely be okay. I want to teach them that society isn't that big a deal. After all, I managed to make it here.

Memories of listening to music in quiet gaps continue to define me now. Music will surely forgive you. It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.

Posted December 6th, 2017


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