Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
A short story (or set of even shorter ones) from 2ch about a shop that, simply enough, sells anything.
——
#OP
Story #1: The Cutting Knife
~ The Shop ~
Manager: "...No customers today. C'mon, we're a shop that sells anything!"
Helper: "Maybe it's no good to have everythin', y'know? Too much to choose."
Manager: "Think that could be it?"
*creeeak...*
Manager: "Oh?"
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Black-Haired Woman: "...Truly?" *stare...*
#OP
Woman: "...Do you really sell anything?"
Woman: "I won't stand for it if you're lying, you know..." *stare...*
Manager: "Yes we do, to the best of our ability."
Helper: (Dude, she's got such cold eyes...)
Woman: "Then sell me... a knife, please."
Woman: "A verrry sharp one... that cuts well."
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#OP
Manager: "Here's your knife!"
Woman: "Oh my, what a polished, sharp knife..." *grin...*
Woman: "Thank you... With this, he shall..." *walk walk*
Manager: "..."
Helper: "Boss, is it okay to sell stuff like that?"
Helper: "I mean, if she causes some trouble with that -"
Manager: "Then so what?"
Manager: "My job is to sell anything. What do I care what comes of what I sell?"
Helper: "I-I guess, but..."
#OP
~ Black-Haired Woman's House ~
Woman: "I'll stab him right in the gut..."
Woman: "That man who abandoned me... I'll stab, stab, stab -" *glitter*
Woman: "Oh? I can see my face in the knife..."
Woman: "!"
Woman: (How...)
Woman: (How awful I look! Is that the face I was making?!)
Woman: (I see something red in the reflection, too -)
Woman: (An apple! How beautiful is this apple! It looks absolutely delicious!) *slurp...*
Woman: (This is no time to be stabbing people! I need to peel this apple!)
#OP
One month later...
~ The Shop ~
Woman: "Good day!"
Manager: "Oh, it's you. How was the knife?"
Woman: "Oh, perfect!"
Woman: "I've gotten really into cooking since then, so today I'm here for some cookware!"
~
Helper: "Man, when people change, they really change. She got way more cheery..."
Helper: "And this cooking she gave us is sweet too!" *munch munch...*
Manager: "That knife cuts well, indeed." *munch munch....*
Manager: "Particularly through people's ugly hearts!"
Helper: "Boss, that ain't as clever as you think it is..." *munch munch...*
Manager: "Oh, leave me alone!"
#OP
Story #2: The Scouter
~ The Shop ~
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Helper: "Yeah, but there's nobo -"
*creeeak...*
Manager: "There we are."
Helper: "There he be."
Youth: "Good day."
#OP
Youth: "It says outside that this is a shop that sells anything, yes?"
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Youth: "Hmph..."
Youth: "In that case..."
Youth: "Do you have a device that can tell me if my abilities are superior or inferior to another's?"
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
Youth: (...You do?!)
#OP
Manager: "Here you go, a Human Merit-Judging Device."
Youth: (It looks like a scouter from Dragonball...)
Manager: "Put this over your eye and turn it on, and those superior will be red..."
Manager: "And those inferior will show up as blue."
Youth: "Let's see here..." *click*
Youth: "Ahh, you're showing up as blue, sir. And that woman next to you is red." *beepbeepbeep...*
Manager: "....."
Helper: "...snkt."
Youth: "Thank you! I'm glad to have made this purchase!"
#OP
Youth: (Now that I have this, I won't even challenge anyone who's superior to me.)
Youth: (Instead, I'll only fight people who are inferior, and live a life without defeat!)
Youth: "Alright, let's try this out." *click*
Youth: (Aha, they're red. Gotta watch out. Definitely don't make an enemy of them.) *beepbeepbeep...*
Youth: (And they're blue. Just gotta go strong and it'll be no problem!) *beepbeepbeep...*
#OP
A while later...
~ The Shop ~
Youth: "WAAAAAAHHH!" *slam*
Manager: "What the?!"
Helper: "What's the matter?!"
Youth: "All I can do is die now... Sell me something to euthanize myself with!"
Manager: "Calm down, kid. Tell us why you want to die, first."
Youth: "I-I..."
Youth: "When I tried only challenging people inferior to me..."
Youth: "All of a sudden, I started seeing everyone as red..."
Youth: "I'm... I'm too embarrassed and miserable to walk around outside...!"
Youth: "I'd rather just die!!"
Manager: "....."
#OP
Manager: "Isn't that a good thing?"
Helper: "Wha?!"
Youth: "How?! Why would you say that?!"
Manager: "If you see everyone as red, that means you're way, way down in the gutter..."
Manager: "...Which means there's nowhere to go but up!"
Youth: "!"
Manager: "And it's worth it, too, because nobody's expecting anything out of you."
Manager: "Not everybody's in such a perfect position, y'know?"
Manager: "Take all that lookin' down and channel it into looking up!"
Manager: "Only if that really doesn't work out will I sell you an easy death."
Youth: "....."
Helper: (Boss... You DO say good stuff sometimes...)
#OP
Youth: "Alright."
Youth: "I'll... live a little longer."
Manager: "Hey, that's the spirit!"
Youth: "Oh, and while I'm here..." *click*
Youth: "Huh? Sir, you're still blue..." *beepbeepbeep...*
Manager: "....."
Helper: "...pfft!"
#OP
Later still...
~ The Shop ~
Youth: "WAAAAAAHHH!" *slam*
Manager: "What the?!"
Helper: "What's the matter?!"
Youth: "All I can do is die now... Sell me something to euthanize myself with!"
Manager: (I thought that was some pretty fine advice, myself... Was it no good...?)
Youth: "Ever since then, I only challenged people superior to me..."
Youth: "And then I started seeing everyone as blue... I have nothing to live fooor!!"
Manager: "Do I look like I care?!"
#OP
Story #3: Supply and Demand
~ The Shop ~
*creeeak...*
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Sadist Girl: "You guys really sell anything?"
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Helper: (Yikes, she looks like a harsh lady...)
Sadist Girl: "Then... Will you sell me the perfect masochistic man?"
Sadist Girl: "Lately, I've been finding only weak males who cannot withstand my assault."
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#2ch
"Anything" includes people...?
#OP
Manager: "Here, your masochistic man."
Maso Man: "H-Hi there..." *pant pant...*
Sadist Girl: "Oh my, and just the kind I like!"
Sadist Girl: "Well, I shall gladly inflict much pain on him! Ohohoho!"
Maso Man: "P-Pleeeeease!" *pant pant...*
Manager: "....."
Helper: "....."
Manager: "The world's got quite a balance of supply and demand, huh?"
Helper: "Guess so..."
#OP
15 minutes earlier...
~ The Shop ~
Maso Man: "You sell anything here, right?!" *pant pant...*
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Helper: (Yikes, this guy looks like he loves to be tormented...)
Maso Man: "W-Well, pleeease sell me the perfect sadistic queen!" *pant pant...*
Manager: "Sorry, no can do...! We've got no sadist girls in stock."
Maso Man: "N-No way...!" *shock*
Manager: "We might be able to get one in soon, so wait in the back if you would."
Maso Man: "Understood!"
#2ch
Even Adam Smith was shocked!
#OP
Story #4: Youth
~ Old Man's House ~
Old Man: "Sigh..."
Old Man: "I used to have rippling muscles, was strong of mind, and popular with the chicks..."
Old Man: "Now my hair is white, my bones are floating in my body, and my face is all wrinkled..."
Old Man: "What an awful thing age is!"
Old Man: "I wonder if there's a way to conquer it..."
#OP
~ The Shop ~
*creeeak...*
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Old Man: "You telling the truth, there?"
Manager: "Yes, we sell anything, to the best of our ability."
Helper: "What d'ya want, mister?"
Old Man: "Youth, missy!"
Old Man: "Sell me some youth!"
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#OP
Manager: "Here's your youth!"
Young Man: "Ohh...!" *buff*
Young Man: (I'm filled with energy! This... this youth!)
Young Man: (My muscles are as sturdy and supple as back then!)
Young Man: (And my mind is as reliable as then, too...)
Young Man: "....."
Manager: "What's wrong?"
Young Man: "No, no, no!" *bang*
Manager & Helper: "Eek?!"
Young Man: "Youth has its value because it can never be had again!"
Young Man: "Everyone else ages, yet I have to rely on this?!"
Young Man: "No, I will accept my aging!"
Young Man: "Sir! Apologies, but please return me to normal!"
Manager: "A-Already?!"
#OP
Old Man: "Ahh, thanks for your help! So long, kiddos!"
Old Man: "Alright, I'll keep at it despite my age!" *walk walk...*
Manager: "What was that old man after..."
Manager: "Just window-shopping, maybe?"
Helper: "Must be..."
Helper: "Seemed like a pretty youthful old guy... Bet he just likes to play pranks."
#OP
Story #5: Buy One Get One Free
~ The Shop ~
*creeeak...*
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Beauty: "Say, does this shop really sell anything?"
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Beauty: "Well then... Will you sell me you?"
Manager: "....."
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
Helper: "!" *shock*
#OP
Manager: "However..."
Beauty: "Mm?"
Manager: "As part of an ongoing buy-one-get-one-free deal, this girl here comes with me."
Manager: "So if that's okay with you, I'll sell myself, sure."
Beauty: "....." *glance*
Helper: "....." *stare...*
Beauty: "Hoho... Never mind."
Beauty: "I don't think I'm any match for your cute little assistant."
Beauty: "I just saw the amusing sign outside, and quite the man inside..."
Beauty: "So I figured I'd come in and tease you."
Beauty: "So long!" *woosh...*
#OP
Helper: "Bosssss! I trusted youuu! You SAID you wouldn't leave me!"
Manager: "Come, now. I could never leave you."
Helper: "Wooooo! Boss is the best!"
Helper: "Oh yeah! Better start making lunch!" *step step step*
Manager: "Yeah, you do that."
Manager: "....."
Manager: (If I must say, I wasn't fond of that woman.)
Manager: (Certainly I doubt she'd be a better cook, either.) *grin*
#OP
Story #6: Life-Sized Memories
~ The Shop ~
*creeeak...*
Student: "Um..."
Student: "I guess this shop sells anything?"
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Helper: "Yeah we do!"
Student: "Then... could you sell me some memories?"
Student: "I'm a college student, but..."
Student: "I want something to add a little more enrichment to my empty life..."
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#OP
Manager: "Now, if you just say memories, there's all kinds..."
Manager: "Like winning a gold medal, or a Nobel prize, or becoming a host king..."
Student: "I'd prefer if they're not that grand. I don't want to be made miserable, either."
Manager: "Then how about these? Helper, stand by."
Helper: "Yessir!"
"Born to Average Parents"
"Enrolled in Local Kindergarten"
"Played Momotaro's Pheasant in the School Arts Festival"
"Entered Local Elementary School"
"Grew Up to Be An Obedient, Honest, Kind Child"
"Got Into Card Games, Spent All New Years Money On Them, Got Yelled At"
#OP
"Parted With Many Friends in Middle School Due to School Districts"
"However, Joined Athletics Club Thanks to Favorite Manga"
"Didn't Set Any Amazing Records, But Tried Hard for Three Years"
"Entered Local High School"
"Made First Girlfriend, But Upon Dating Personalities Didn't Match At All, So Quickly Broke Up"
"Joined Literature Club Instead of Exercise Club, But It Was Just A Lot of Chatting"
"Records Improved, Started Going to Prep School in Second Year of High School"
"Managed to Get Into Second-Pick College"
Helper: "...And that's basically it!"
Student: "Wow, they fit so well!"
Student: "That sounds great! I'll take them!"
#OP
Manager: "Well? Memories fit nicely and all?"
Student: "Yes... I feel like I've been reborn!"
Student: "By the way, what's the price -"
Manager: "For you, it's free of charge."
Student: "?"
Student: "Well, okay. Thank you very much!" *walk walk...*
Manager: "....."
Helper: "....."
#OP
Manager: "Actually... those memories were all his own."
Manager: "He felt those memories were nothing special, and wanted to lose them..."
Manager: "And when he entered college, he wanted to take the opportunity to renew himself."
Manager: "So he'd only just erased all those memories, except for the bare minimum for his social life, and yet..."
Helper: "Guess you can't throw memories away that easy."
Helper: "I mean, I know I'd never throw away that mannequin I got from the tailor's!"
Manager: "No, you should really toss that!"
Manager: "I nearly piss myself when I see that thing in the middle of the night!"
Helper: "Yikes!"
#OP
Story #7: Picking A Fight
Delinquent: "Dammit! Argh, I'm pissed!"
Delinquent: "How can I get rid of this irritation?!"
Delinquent: "Hm?"
Delinquent: "There's a shop here...? What the?"
Delinquent: ""We sell anything and everything"...?"
Delinquent: "Huh, interesting..." *grin*
#OP
~ The Shop ~
*bang!*
Delinquent: "Hey!"
Delinquent: "This shop sells anything, yeah?!"
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Helper: (O-Oh man... He looks scary...) *tremble...*
Delinquent: "Alright then... If I can pick anything..."
Delinquent: "Then I'm pickin' a fight!"
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#OP
Helper: (Giving him a fight...?)
Helper: (But boss is hella weak! What's he gonna do?!)
Manager: "....." *cough*
Manager: "Oh, I'm "the bee's knees," see?!" *bend*
Manager: "Don't you "get up on your high horse," "son," you "dig"?" *swerve*
Manager: "You wanna "take this outside," eh?" *twist*
Manager: "Eeeeeehhhhh?!"
Delinquent: "....."
Delinquent: ".....pff..."
#OP
Delinquent: "GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Delinquent: "Ahahahahahaha...!"
Delinquent: "Ohh man, dude, what ERA are you taking those from?"
Delinquent: "And you couldn't look less scary if you tried!"
Delinquent: "Man, dude, I ain't laughed like that in forever."
Delinquent: "I was all pissed and wanted to fight somebody, but I think I'm good now. Thanks a bunch!"
Manager: "Don't go picking fights until your life is really in the gutter, you!"
Delinquent: "Yeah, yeah, grandpa! I'll look back on this and laugh! Here, have some change!" *ching*
Manager: (100 yen?!)
#OP
Helper: "Whew, that was a close one..."
Helper: "Never thought that out of all things to pick, somebody'd pick a fight."
Helper: "But man, what was that? Such a lackluster way to bring a fight..."
Manager: "All on purpose. Didn't want to get punched."
Helper: "Hmm... So are you actually real good at picking a fight, boss?"
Manager: "Obviously so. I'm a master provoker. Want me to try you?"
Helper: "Sure thing! I never get mad!"
Manager: "....."
Manager: "Ugly hag."
*WHAP!*
#OP
Story #8: The Missiles Flying
~ The Shop ~
*creeeak...*
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Eyepatch: "Anything, you say...?"
Manager: "Yes, to the best of our ability."
Eyepatch: "Well then... Sell me a nuclear missile?"
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#2ch
Eh?
#OP
Manager: "Here, a miniature nuclear missile and a launch button!"
Manager: "Install it wherever you like, then input where you want it to hit..."
Manager: "Then push the button, and it'll fire!"
Manager: "It's pretty heavy, so you can take this cart to carry it home."
Eyepatch: "I didn't think you'd really sell it..." *grin*
Eyepatch: "Thank you..." *clatter*
~
Helper: "Man, our store even deals in nuclear weapons!"
Manager: "Of course it does. We can't say "we sell anything" and not deliver on that promise."
Helper: "But is it okay to sell that stuff?"
Manager: "Well, a little late for that. Let's hope our customer doesn't do wrong with it."
Helper: "W-What can you do with it that's not wrong...?"
#OP
~ Dilapidated Shack ~
Eyepatch: "Hahaha... A real nuclear missile!"
Eyepatch: (One of these has the power to blow a whole city off the map...)
Eyepatch: (I could just set it loose on a place where somebody I hate lives.)
Eyepatch: (Heck, striking somewhere important like the parliament building might be interesting.)
Eyepatch: (Man, even firing it at myself for a grand self-destruction would be nice and dramatic!)
Eyepatch: (I've got no attachments to this world, at any rate.)
Eyepatch: (Well, I'll have to think hard about how to use this.)
Eyepatch: "Hahahahaha..."
#OP
Eyepatch: (Alright, better decide where to fire soon.)
Eyepatch: "Hm? Yeesh, the missile's all dusty. That's no good."
Eyepatch: "Better do some quick maintenance. I'll wipe it with this rag." *squeak squeak*
Eyepatch: "....." *squeak squeak*
Eyepatch: "....." *squeak squeak*
Eyepatch: "Ooh, nice and shiny now!"
Eyepatch: "Hahaha... I'm startin' to get attached to this nuclear missile."
Eyepatch: "I made it all clean, so I think I'll wait a little to fire it."
#2ch
Eyepatch, you're so cute...
#OP
Eyepatch: "I wonder... Should I sleep with my nuclear missile?"
Eyepatch: "....." *squeeze...*
Eyepatch: (If I use it like a body pillow...)
Eyepatch: (Ah, the cool metal feels good...)
Eyepatch: "Hahahaha..." *squeeze...*
~
Eyepatch: "Nuclear missile, I'm going to dress you up with a pretty ribbon!"
Eyepatch: "Awww, so cute!"
Eyepatch: "As long as a nuclear missile doesn't explode, it won't bother anybody!"
Eyepatch: "Now, time to gently clean you with this high-quality towel!"
Eyepatch: "Hahahahaha..." *squeak squeak...*
#2ch
Maybe I should buy my own nuke from deep in the forest...
#OP
Eyepatch: "Ahh! Nuclear missile! No, you're more than just that - you're you!"
Eyepatch: "I love you! I won't leave you my whole life! I'll never fire you, never!" *hug...*
Eyepatch: "Since I was born it's been one misfortune after another, losing my eye in an accident at work..."
Eyepatch: "And then I was fired, and had to live in this awful shack..."
Eyepatch: "But thanks to you, I'm filled with the will to live!"
Eyepatch: "You're the only one who won't betray me!"
Eyepatch: "I love you! I love you!" *squeeze...*
Eyepatch: "Nuclear missile, I love you!!"
#OP
But one day...
*shwoooooooooo...!*
Eyepatch: "?!"
Eyepatch: (Why is it getting ready to fire?!)
Eyepatch: "H-Hey, where are you going?! I didn't press the switch!"
*shwoosh...!*
Eyepatch: "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH?!"
Eyepatch: "Even you're abandoning me?! You're betraying me?!"
Eyepatch: "EVEN YOUUUUU?!"
Eyepatch: "NOOOOO...!" *shake...*
#OP
Radio: "Breaking news!"
Radio: "A giant meteorite that had gone undetected by the devices of research facilities worldwide was moments from hitting Japan..."
Radio: "When it was suddenly blown apart by a mysterious airborne object launched from the ground!"
Radio: "Furthermore, there appears to be no danger of radioactivity or the like from the explosion."
Radio: "This could be because the material that comprises the meteorite... ..."
Eyepatch: "....."
Eyepatch: "Could it be..."
Eyepatch: "You protected me...?"
Eyepatch: (Then... I mustn't waste... the life you saved...)
#OP
~ The Shop ~
Helper: "Boss, you see the news?"
Manager: "Yep, I did."
Manager: "I had things set up so that if our customer pressed the switch, I'd know about it..."
Manager: "And it turns out he didn't press it after all."
Helper: "You mean the missile launched itself?"
Manager: "Suppose so, yes."
Manager: "They say spirits come to dwell in things you treasure..."
Manager: "Guess now we know nuclear missiles are no exception..."
#OP
Story #9: A Glittering Star for You
Man: "You truly are so beautiful!"
Woman: "You truly are so stylish!"
Man: "I know - I shall buy you anything you wish!"
Woman: "Yaaah! I'm so happy!"
Man: "I'll buy you one of the stars glittering in the night sky!" *ding*
Woman: "Yaaah! So romantic!"
(Hahahaha...! Yahahaha...!)
#OP
~ The Shop ~
*creeeak...*
Man & Woman: "Alooohaaa!"
Manager: "Welcome! We sell anything and everything!"
Man: "Sell anything, you say?"
Woman: "Could you really sell eeeverything?"
Manager: "Yes we do, to the best of our ability."
Helper: (What an energetic couple...)
Man: "Then may you sell me a star? I insisted on giving her a present." *ding*
Woman: "Yaaah! Wonderful!" *fawn*
Manager: "Comin' right up!"
#OP
Manager: "They'll be here to pick you up in a moment."
Man: "Pick us up?"
*creeeak...*
Alien: "ApologieS foR thE waiT." *crawl...*
Alien: "ThanK yoU verY mucH foR purchasinG ouR staR." *writhe...*
Alien: "ComE noW tO thE spaceshiP. WE wisH tO shoW yoU righT awaY." *slither...*
Man: "Eh? Uh? Huh? This thing's holding out a tentacle?"
Woman: "Yaaah, what is thiiis?!"
Helper: "Enjoy your trip through space!"
#OP
~ A Distant Planet ~
Alien: "ThiS iS ouR planeT." *shrivel...*
Man: "About how far is this from Earth?"
Alien: "ApproximatelY onE billioN lightyearS." *crawl...*
Woman: "Yaaah! One billion lightyears, wow!"
Woman: "Hey, that's further than Europe, isn't it?"
Man: "Why, of course!" *ding*
Man: "In fact, it's about one billion lightyears so!"
Woman: "Yaaah!"
(Hahahahaha...)
Alien: (AlL otheR EarthlingS havE fainteD immediatelY upoN seeinG uS...) *slick*
Alien: (ThesE oneS musT bE insanE.) *slime...*
#OP
Two days later...
Manager: "How are those two doing?"
Helper: "Let's take a look on the monitor..."
Helper: "Looks like they're as energetic as ever on the alien's planet."
Helper: "Talking about how their three-day vacation'll be over soon and they need to get a souvenir..."
Manager: "Sheesh, I didn't think they'd treat it like sightseeing!"
Manager: (To be honest, their giddiness pissed me off.)
Manager: (So I partly sold them that star to startle them, yet...)
Manager: (Dumb couples are to be feared, I suppose.)
#OP
Final Story: Manager and Helper
~ The Shop ~
Customer: "...Wow, I didn't think you'd have this! I'd almost given up!"
Customer: "Thank you so much!" *walk walk...*
Manager: "Thank you!"
Helper: "Come again!"
Manager: "No more customers today, it looks like. Time to close shop."
Helper: "Yep!"
#OP
Manager: "But you know, you always do good work."
Helper: "What's this all of a sudden?!"
Manager: "Hey, sometimes I just feel like complimentin'."
Helper: "Oh, just being fickle, huh?"
Manager: "....."
Manager: "Well... Is there anything you want?"
Helper: "That I want?"
Manager: "Yes, I'll sell it to you to the best of my ability."
Helper: "Hmm, is that right..."
#OP
Helper: "Alright then -"
Helper: "I want a long vacation!"
Manager: (What?! And have me manage the shop alone in the meantime?!)
Manager: (I'd never be able to handle sorting the goods without her!)
Manager: (But... I did say anything... Ugh...)
Helper: "But of course, you too, boss!"
Manager: "Huh?"
Helper: "You take a long vacation too, and we'll go on a trip or somethin'!"
Manager: "Hmph... You're never going to be independent like this, you know?"
Helper: "I'm always with you, boss!"
Manager: (T-Thank goodness...)
#OP
Manager: "Alright, I'll sell you a vacation."
Manager: "And on your vacation, no wages. That's the price you pay."
Helper: "That's brutal!"
Manager: "No such thing as a paid vacation at my shop!"
Manager: "Well, guess we should start planning that trip, huh?"
Manager: "Hang this on the door for me, would you?" *hand*
Helper: "Yessir!"