An Awful Story My Sixth-Grade Sister Wrote

"Gyaaah! Stooop!'
Splash, splash. I was sprinkled with cold water.
I was in the bathroom. I was being bullied.

"You're so annoying!" "You're gross!" "You shouldn't even bother coming to school!"
The malicious trio of Lisa, Yui, and Maika was making fun of me.

"Wahhh... You shouldn't say things like that..."
I felt so awful, I began to cry...

"Hey, what're you doing?"
"Huh? Who?"

Suddenly, a voice came from outside the bathroom.

"You're being bullies in there, aren't you? You're the worst!"
"Huh? Who are you?" "Yeah, who're you?!"
"QUIET!!!!!" BANG!!!

"R-Run away!!"

"T-Thank you...
U-Um, what's your name...?"
"I'm Kazuko Saitou. But you can call me Kazuko Saitou."
"That's not a nickname, that's your full name!!"

She seemed like... an interesting person!

"Oh, right!
So why did you save me?"
"Well, why wouldn't I when we're such good friends?!? ☆"
"Friends?! We're friends?!"

And that was how we became friends.
After loitering around campus for a while...

"Ah! Over there... I think that's Ito Yumi-chan!
She's in AKB47... ☆ I'm sooo jealous!"

AKB47 was a popular idol group at the time.

"I wish I could join them, too..."
"You can join if you want to."

So I joined AKB47.

"Hah hah!"


"Geez, come on, newcomer!
You can't fall over doing such a simple dance as that!!"
"I'm sorry!!"

I was doing dance lessons with AKB47.
They were tougher than I thought, and I wasn't doing very well.

Failed her AKB47 audition..."

Kazuko had failed the audition, and I had passed,
so I felt extremely awkward and had no friends.

"Sniff... What should I do...?"

I was feeling down in the dumps.

Just then, I got a phone call from my mother, who I thought was dead.

"Kyouka... Do your best..."

I was so happy, I wept tears of joy.

"Alright, I'll try my hardest!!!"
So I changed my attitude and strove to do better.


"I'm so nervous..."
Today was the day for AKB47's voting.
If I got first place, I would earn the right to be the center dancer.

"And in first place, the winner is..........

Kyouka Sanzan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The crowd went wild.

"MEEEEE??!!!!!!! I'm so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!"
So I did the Cossack dance on the spot.

"Congratulations, Kyouka Sanzan-chan!
From today forth, you're the top girl in AKB47! Give us your best!"

The manager said to me.
And then I punched the manager.

"I am the greatest of all. You lesser-rank lowlifes do not deserve to speak to ME!!!"
I scolded him.

"Hah, hah..." The manager got on the ground and apologized to me.

I was feeling great, so I danced the Cossack dance.

"Um... Mistress Kyouka...
We think it would be best if you practiced the dance for the new song..."

"Oh, I'll be just FINE!!!!!!!
Even if it's the worst dance ever created, if I'm the once dancing,
there will be foolish fans tripping over themselves to give us their money!!!!!!!"

I flung coffee into the manager's face.

"Ow! That's hot!"
"SHUT UP!!!!!"
I flung coffee into the manager's face.

Just then, we got a phone call.

"Yes, AKB47 offices... Wha?! What's that?!
Right, okay!! Understood!!"

The release date of our new song conflicts with that of the popular rival band Morning Musume!!"
"WHAT?!?!?!?!? WHAT did you say?!?!?!?!?!"

What to do...?
They would take first place on the Oricon rankings...

Morning Musume was a rival group in which Kazuko Saitou was the top girl.
To be honest, it was more popular than AKB47.

"Sniff..... What to do...
Maybe if instead of just doing handshakes, we take pictures with people..."
"Morn-Mus is already doing that!"
"WHAT?!?!?!? That's VICIOUS!!!!! Morn-Mus is a PACK OF VICIOUS DOGS!!!!!!"

I stamped my feet. And it created a fissure in the ground.
And so the Morn-Mus offices were destroyed.

"I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!"
I ate peperoncino while doing the Cossack dance.

"What?! What's the meaning of this?!?!" BANG!!!!!!!!!
The door flew open, and there was Kazuko Saitou.

"Are you Kyouka Sanzan?"
"Yes, but..."
"You were that girl who was being bullied, weren't you?"
"That's ancient history, isn't it?"
"It was only a month ago!"
"Well, I've been reborn!"
"What's with that attitude? Your dancing is disgusting."
"Ah? I think you're the disgusting one. ^^"
"Nope, I'm definitely the cute one."
"Ah? You were the loser when you joined Morn-Mus. Because this is the era of AKB."
"No, no. *laughs* Morn-Mus is on top in looks. And in profits."
"No, no, no, Morn-Mus is on the decline. AKB is the future."
"Blech! *laughs* Maybe among otaku. Morn-Mus is recognized the world over."
"Hah? I'm pretty sure you're the group dirty otaku obsess over. Like those photos you were taking, eh?"
"You don't want to admit the dirty things YOU'VE been doing..."

"Stop this!!!!!!"
I heard my mother, who I thought was dead. I cried.

"Kazuko-san, let's tag-team!!!!!! ☆"

And so AKB-Musume was born.

AKB-Musume's debut single sold a million copies, and we instantly became the number one group in the world.

But even so, there were still people who weren't quite aware of us...
Three suspicious people dressed all in black stood in the way of me and Kazuko!

"Hey! Kill her!"
"Yes sir!"

DOKABAKAGGON! Kazuko died.
I screamed. But Kazuko did not reply...
"I have to do my best, for Kazuko's sake too..."
And that was how yet another flame began to burn in my heart.

"Ah, the weather's nice today..."

After dieting at the pool, I was relaxing in the park,
when suddenly three suspicious people dressed all in black stood in front of me.

"? Who are you guys?"
"We're the ones who killed Kazuko!"

I didn't remember who Kazuko was, but I acted surprised, like an idol should.

"How could you have done that to Kazuko!!!!! Hah, hahhh!!!!"
I fired an energy ball.
"Hmph. Barrier!"
"!! What, how?!"
"Time for you to die. Come on!"
"NOOO!! Stop!! I was just about to go to the pool to lose some weight!!"

My desperate struggling was futile, and I was carried by the people in black to a car...

When I woke up, I was inside the car.

Looking closely, I could see the one driving was wearing
the sailor suit uniform of the school I went to underneath their black coat.

"!!!! You couldn't be!!!"
"That's right... I'm LISA!!!"
Lisa... one of the three who was bullying me.
Which meant...

"Then the other two... YOU COULDN'T BE!!"
"That's right... We're YUI AND MAIKA!!!"
I could not forgive them.
The ones who had killed... Kazubi? Kazuku? I forget, my good friend
were still alive, and right in front of my eyes.

"I won't let this stand!!!!!!!!" BOOM!!!!!
"What are you doing?! Stop it!!"
Lisa died. The car stopped. I got off. I was at the beach.

Blishhhhh. The waves went out and in.
"This feels great..." I was at peace.

"Alright, I'm going to cross the sea and go to America!
And then I'll become a worldwide idol!"

Doing a butterfly stroke, I reached America in 38 seconds.


I shouted, first things first.

"Okay, first to get a contract!"
I asked around at a number of American entertainment offices.

"Ha ha! ...Hah!
How about that?!"
"NO." That was what everyone told me.

"Why is it, I wonder...?" I pouted on a park bench.
I thought America would be a much kinder country... I began to detest the smallness of Americans' hearts.

"Hey, you! Aren't you Kyouka Sanzan?
I'm Alice! Nice to meet you!"
"You too!"
"I think your abilities are VERY GOOD! So I want to scout for you!
"Then come to Alice Offices!"

So I went to Alice Offices.

"Is this the office?"

To be honest, it was a room too tiny and filthy for me to consider it an office.
Then Alice suddenly ripped off her face.

"!!!!! You're!!!"
"That's right... I'm YUI!!!" I killed her.

"Yes! Today forth, these are MY offices! ♪ I'll do my best!!"
I changed my attitude and strove to do better in America. As the group "AKB47 in America"!

And then, it was voting day.
Who would take first place this year? Of course, I knew that I would be number one, but...

"And now!! What's this?! ..........
In second place!!!!!!!! Team A, Kyouka Sanzan!!!!!!!!!!!"
"And in first place, the winner is KAZUKO SAITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!"
Kazuko Saitou was alive.

"I won't let this stand!!!!!! FUNGAH!!!!"
"That didn't work."
"!!!! WHY?!?!"
"I only teamed up with you to help my own popularity... I was USING you!!"
"No way!!"
"I had those malicious three attack you as part of my plans, too!!
After all, they're my underlings!!"
"That's awful!!"
"Maika!! Come here!!'
Maika appeared. Maika was fat.

"Maika-san!! Let's go to the pool and diet!!"
"Okay!!" So we returned to Japan and became pool diet buddies.

"One-two, one-two..."

Even with the pool diet, Maika didn't lose any weight at all.
Even though I'd gotten down to 32 kilograms...

"Don't cry, Maika!"
"Boohoo... boo... I mean... boohoo... sniff..."

Since Marika [sic] was so fat and ugly, I explained the situation to the AKB47 manager.

"So that's how things are... Isn't there any way of slimming her down?"

So I decided to ignore Maika and leave her behind.
I changed my email address, my phone number, my residence, everything. I knew it was for the best.

AKB47 had gotten into drama work lately.
But that was better suited for lower members - higher-up members like me would only play lead roles.
However, ratings were poor and AKB's image took a major dip, so the high-ranking members didn't get any drama work.


"Yes, AKB47 offices...
...Wha?! You're asking Sanzan to play the lead role?! Yes, of course! I'm so glad! Please do!"

"Kyouka-chan, you're going to be in a TV drama! In the main role!!"
"Huh?! Really?! I'm so happy!"
I was so happy that I took a sitz bath while eating peperoncino while doing the Cossack dance.

"Kyouka-chan, the drama you're in is a romance, and, uh...
He's the one playing your lover."
"Ah! Hi there."

The man who appeared was wearing a backpack, had his shirt tucked in, and was about as fat as Maika.

"GROSS!!!" I was an honest person, so I told him exactly what was on my mind. And...
"You're mean!! You're making me cry!!!!"
He began to cry.

I was perplexed by how filthy he was, and the manager came out.
"That's enough. You're fired."
"We're already preparing a stand-in, so please leave."
"Wait, WAAAAAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" KABOOM!! The man stamped his feet.
"Ahhh! Earthquaaake!!!" DOSHARUMBLE. The drama was canceled.

Suddenly, waves of calls were coming in about the event.

"Why is the AKB TV drama being canceled?!"
"I heard Sanzan-san got the director angry!!"
"What's really going on here?!"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!" I roared.
"It wasn't me, it was that stupid fat guy!!!
That fat guy was all WAAAH WAAAAH KABOOM KABOOM DOSHARUMBLE!! You got that?!"

"Sure... okay..." The callers made an memo of the fact that the fat guy had gone waaah waaah, kaboom kaboom, dosharumble.
It was reported on the news, and knowledge of the major disappointment that was the AKB drama's cancellation spread...

And then, I got a phone call from my sister.

"Ah, hell?"
"Geez, it's not "hell." It's "hello," come on."
"Um, here at home, like, we're running soup low on money."
"Geez, "soup low on money"? You mean "super low on money"?"
"Won't you lend us some? Things are, like, literally bad this month."
"That's not what "literally" means. Say "extremely bad"! Anyway sure, I'll lend you some." I lent her 10 million yen.
"Thabyebye!" Poo-poo-poo.

I was very happy that my sister was depending on me.

But then I realized.
"Hah... AKB hasn't been very popular lately, so it's no time to be lending money...
GODDAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" KABOOM!!! I caused an earthquake.

"Ahhh! Earthquaaake!!!" My sister died, so I took back the 10 million yen.

"Sister..." I decided I would do my best for my departed sister.
As part of the proud AKB47!


Posted June 14th, 2011


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