I'm Always Watching

Posted in a 2ch thread called "[So Much For] When God Is Cruel 13 [My Old God]." (Yeah, the thread isn't especially relevant.) A short tale of an artist, a fan, and moe~.


I've been in several prior threads, so some of you may know of me, but...

- This concerns the owner of a site that draws a lot of "moe" art.
- I graciously send her my impressions on her art. I still send emails about her old pictures, even.
- At any rate, she's moved to tears to get such enthusiastic responses.

That's what I've written thus far. Now, to put a conclusion (?) to it.

"That's moe." "Why is it moe?" "I can't put it into words, but it is." "Why can't you put it into words?"
Sitting on the reply page, already exhausted from replying to the barrage of questions, this was just the last straw.
"Answer my question. Why is it moe?" Sheeeeesh...
As you advised me, I replied. "I'm just not very expressive..."
And onto it, I added "I'm too busy to respond right now. Consider this a read-only message."

Then suddenly, things heated up.
"Not expressive? That can't be! You've emailed me your thoughts on everything from my latest work to my first!!
You've seen and felt and put your thoughts into words for every nook and cranny of my site!!
Don't be so negative! Don't put yourself down!!
You have an incredible way with words!!
That's why I'm asking you to say, in your own words, the reason you think my art is moe."

"A read-only message? Ridiculous. You're incredibly unique.
You're so busy, yet you have time to play online? But you won't answer my question?"

She wasn't calming down. I was stunned.
Did I step on a landmine of yours or what? And when?
Maybe my reply was weird. But it's not like there was anything wrong with your art.
Or so I thought, but those once-brilliant works seemed somehow worn-out now.
My head hurt.
I thought, I should think about this and act carefully, and let a day pass by.

Then, on the front page of the site:
"Miss [my real name]! IP: *************! Did you come by yesterday?!
Please, respond! I'm begging you! Get in contact with me! I'll be waiting!!"
It was written in huge letters.

I was pissed.
This was insulting. Hanging me up like a criminal.
After your latest email bombing, I hope you notice I'm not telling you my new address.
I'm not your penpal. We're just a reader and a webmaster. There wasn't to be any more of a relationship than that.
Why are you so insistent with the question? Did I really set you off?
It should be no surprise why your art isn't "moe" at this point.

I threw politeness to the wind and told her exactly how I felt.
And I didn't regret sending it.

Some time after sending. (I don't think a full hour passed.)

"I'm hated by the one I loved, the one I believed in.
Was I wrong to love you? You hated me. Was it just chance we met?
I'm so sad...
If you hated me, then why were you so kind to me?
Why did you do those things that made me believe what wasn't real?
I don't understand...
Is it because you hated me? You played with me just to kill time?
You're so mean... I'm really hurt...
I don't think I can update anymore in this state...
I'm sorry..... Goodbye.........."

This was declared on the front page, and the site was closed.
I wondered if other readers were reaching her with cries of "What happened?!" and "Please, stop!"...
That is, if there was anyone but me.
Why did I have to fire that piercing arrow? I don't know. But I didn't want anything more to do with it.

My interest waned over time, but I really loved your site before you started fishing for compliments.
Even if it was only a short illusion, thank you very much for everything.
I hope you take down my real name, and I'll change my email just in case.

I don't think we'll meet again, so goodbye.

^ You're Miss Ledora, yes?
Those posts are about what happened on my site, wasn't it?
What's the meaning of this?
It's practically an act of treason for you to put this up on 2channel.

I knew it. You were playing with me, laughing at me behind my back.
I doubted it, thought maybe it wasn't so, but now I'm convinced.
Can you even imagine how much I've been hurt since you sent that email that made it all clear?
You can't, can you.
You tricked me, trapped me, all to get attention from 2channel on your silly story...

And you've been posting around before, haven't you.
Do you want to be consoled as a tragic heroine by these countless anonymous posters?

You're scum.

I want to know why you shot me with that "piercing arrow," committed that horrible act.
Why? Were you just convinced I would be easily tricked?

What an awful, traitorous act.
Did you really love me like you said you did?
I don't think I can understand people who do such things as that.....

Yes, you must be Miss Ledora.
You've seen every nook and cranny of my site, and sent me your many thoughts on it.

You degraded yourself, saying you weren't good at expressing yourself.
But you've drawn in and made captive all these countless anonymous watchers.
Is it because you're so good at writing heartlessly? Just like all those things you sent me?

But if you're writing heartlessly, your ability is meaningless.
Is this what you'd call a waste of genius?
I'm truly jealous.
I wish I could have some of your talent.

Miss Ledora, don't hide. Come out into the open.
And talk with me again, okay?
I'm not saying to apologize.
After all, you're the sort to think the person you tricked was at fault.
The sort who can't ever understand the feelings of the people they cheat and wound.

I just want to know why you tricked me.
Come on, Miss Ledora. Aren't you reading?
Aren't you laughing a hollow laugh at the idea of paying me any mind?

Holy cripes... H-How did it get to this, exactly?

^ According to what she's written:
- She was stubbornly pressed for her thoughts on the artist's works.
- Stuck for an answer and fed up with the barrage of emails, she refrained from replying.
- The artist publicly posted her real name and IP on the site.
- The artist doesn't seem to think anything of how all of the above affects the other, and posted messages about how she feels betrayed.

What's this "email that made it all clear"?

Perhaps you doubt it's really me?
This is an anonymous messageboard, where tricksters and trolls are an everyday occurrence.
But would you like me to post my real name as well?
Please, reply.
I won't know if you don't tell me, after all.

You've been sheltered by countless posts in this thread and prior ones.
Some of the posters likely overlap, but it shows your way with words is certainly the real deal.

Do you want more allies? Do you need believers?
Isn't this enough? Show yourself already!!

^ Miss Ledora already posted it, but it was an email along these lines:
"I said your art was "moe," but it's not. And I think you know why, so I'm not going to spell it out."
Who's the one being held up like a criminal here?

>"I said your art was "moe," but it's not. And I think you know why, so I'm not going to spell it out."

You seem to be reading it this way, but I think this is what she wanted to say:
>"I said your art was "moe," but it's not *anymore*.

It's not like it wasn't ever moe to begin with. It used to be, certainly.
But *now*, the moe is gone. Things have changed.
Perhaps in the interim, for some reason separate from your art, the "moe" simply left her?

It's hard to say from this information, so I think you should print out all the emails, take them to a hospital, and show a doctor. Really.

I'm sorry.
There's something I forgot I need to apologize for.

I posted some time ago in a thread called "Darkness of the Heart."
I told Ledora, "I don't want to see you ever again."
The thread was already near 1000 posts by then, so I could never get a reply...

But I take it back.
I really want to see you again.

I want to talk to you. Please, show yourself. I'm begging you.

Miss Ledora, are you watching?
You are, aren't you?
I updated my message to you.
I haven't changed my address, so please send your reply to me.
If you're hesitant to post on 2channel, I set up a mail form, so please contact me that way.
I'll be here until your message comes.
I'm always watching.

You've worried things like "Did I step on a landmine?"
Of course, I'll respond to those matters.
So please get in contact with me. I'm waiting.

Miss Ledora, didn't you say it yourself?
"Trying to get your feelings out is rough."

Is that what you were worried about while you were ridiculing me?
As many words of praise as you prepared, there were only so many you could think up for something you didn't truly like.
You sent me such long impressions at the beginning.
But by doing that, you used up your ideas all too quickly.

So you were worried, weren't you?
You were nearly out of material?
So it was getting rough?

An awful, awful treachery.
Didn't you tell me you loved me?!?!
When you didn't love me at all!!
You're always lying, aren't you?!?!

Well, I loved you.
And I want to know all sorts of things about you.
What do you mean, you won't say why it's not moe?!
I never meant to offend you! I just want to read your messages!!!
That's why I updated! When I uploaded my pictures and they pleased you, that's why I tried so hard!!!!!

Posted May 4th, 2012


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