Best of @americanjokebot
A boy in grade school returned home. "Today, there was a question in class that only I could answer!" His father said proudly, "Only you? That's my boy!" His mother's eyes lit up and she said, "That's wonderful. What was the question?" "Teacher asked who broke the window!"
At a hospital. Doctor: "How are you?" Japanese: "I'm fine, thank you. And you?"
Teacher: "Susie, if you have eight apples and I ask you for two, how many apples do you have?" Susie: "Eight."
While on vacation in America, a Japanese man wanted to take a train to Chicago. He asked for tickets by saying "to Chicago" and was offered two tickets. He realized his mistake and said "for Chicago." He was offered four tickets. "What am I supposed to say? Ano, eeto, eeto..." He was offered eight tickets.
Two men in a bar were ranting about politicians. "Politicians these days are horrible!" "No kidding! They're all assholes!" A nearby man suddenly got angry. "Take that back! That's just cruel!" "...Are you a politician?" "No! I'm an asshole!"
"Defendant, do you admit your crime?" "No." "Do you have an alibi?" "Alibi? What's that?" "Essentially, was there anyone who can verify they saw you at the time of the crime?" "Ah, well, luckily, no one saw me!"
Doctor: "Ah, um... How old are you?" Patient: "I'll be turning 40 this year." Doctor: "Actually, you won't."
Japan, America, and China had a competition to capture the rare "blue giraffe." America invested lots of money to send troops searching all over Africa. Japan tried to genetically engineer a blue giraffe. Meanwhile, China painted a giraffe blue.
"I don't like the holes in donuts." "Then just eat around the hole!"
Husband: "I've never once cheated with another woman. Can you say the same thing?" Wife: "Of course. I've never cheated with another woman either."
A mummy was on display at a museum. A man asked, "Who is that mummy?" Guide: "That is King Tutankamen." Man: "And who's the small mummy next to him?" Guide: "That is King Tutankamen when he was little."
"Hey, Tom?" "What is it, Johnny?" "I want to be a sailor, but I can't swim!" "Don't worry about it. I'm a pilot, but I can't fly!"
A certain psychic filed a lawsuit under the basis that Company N was infringing on his likeness with a character in one of their games. Company N's lawyer said this: "This character uses ESP. If you say this character resembles you, then demonstrate your ESP to us." The man withdrew the lawsuit.
"When President Washington honestly admitted to chopping down a cherry tree, his father immediately forgave him. Do you know why?" "I think because Washington still had the axe."
A man ran around Russia's Red Square screaming "Stalin is a moron!" He was promptly arrested and sentenced to 25 years of hard labor. 5 of those years were for slander, and the other 20 were for disclosing state secrets.
A father resented his son for constantly playing video games and said this: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was studying by the light of a fireplace!" His son replied, "When Lincoln was YOUR age, he was President of the United States."
I hate yes-men. Luckily, there's not a single yes-man around me. Whenever I say "no," everyone else says "no."
"Wake up, it's time to go to school!" "I don't want to go, mother..." "Why not? Give me a good reason!" "All the students and teachers hate me!" "That's no reason. Hurry and get up!" "Give me one reason why I have to go!" "Well, number one, because you're the principal!"
"Take a look at this machine! It does half your work for you!" "Sounds great. I'll take two."
Moments of inspiration come at the most unexpected times. For example, one man seeing a window that was frozen shut inspired him to create the world's most popular OS.
Totti showed his friend a jigsaw puzzle he'd completed and said, "I'm a genius! I finished it in just three months. Normally, it's supposed to take you three years!" When his friend looked at the box, he saw it read "3 years and up."
"Doctor, I feel like no one takes me seriously." "You must be joking."